Movie Reviews
all these have spoilers and/or inaccurate/made up information.  However, the ratings in perenthesis are the absolute inargueable score based on the actual movie.  these numbers are entirely dependable.  if you want to argue them, try it tough guy.  If you want to add your own  reviews, email me
*'s denote adunai award winners
Editor's Note: in previous incarnations of this page, i put reviews in alphabetical order.  this takes alphabet skills and cut/paste skills that i've allowed to atrophy into shriveled nubs.  henceforce reviews will be in the order i arbitrarily decide on.  P.S. if you find a misspelled word, that means the word was spelled correctly enough for you to decipher what it meant.  since the only purpose of words is to convey a message and misspelled words still convey that message, misspelling doesn't really offend anything besides the victorian sense of some white faced wig-wearing english professors.   you're not one of those, are you?

White Men Can't Jump(9/10)*
by eric drewes
sometimes people ask me what my favorite movie is and i tell them its "white men can't jump".  They think i am joking.  I might be, but this is an awesome movie.  Its about a white guy played by woody harrelson who makes money hustling basketball.  He arrives at the court dressed up like a jackass and when the money is on the line he schools everyone.  this movie is a heart warming tale about friendship and love.  In other sections of my website, i claim that everything i know about women i learned from Al Bundy and Guybrush Threepwood, but in fact, a good portion of it comes from this film.  When a girl says shes thirsty, she doesn't actually want a drink of water, she wants you to sympathize with her, to let her know that you also know what it feels like to be thirsty, and you understand her feeling of thirst.  WISDOM GOLD.  Wesley Snipes is in this movie as a half-vampire basketball star who drinks blood at night and shoots hoops during the day.  Him and woody hook up to do some basketball hustling, but when the truth comes out about the undead nature of Snipe's character, woody is infuriated.  he storms off and gets captured by some mexican desperados with aqualungs.  In a heroic and brave act, Wesley Snipes strips himself of his powers and storms the mexican castle to save his basketball playing buddy in the form of a regular human.  I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone, but the ending is tragic.  While escaping the castle, the bridge breaks and Wesley Snipes jumps over it, and beckons Woody to do the same.  Woody makes his best attempt but his jump falls short (hence the title) and he falls to his gruesome death.  I'm just kidding about that.  He makes the jump, the title of this classic is meant to be IRONIC.  This entire movie culminates in Woody's girlfriend winning a billion dollars on jeapardy, breaking up with him, then buying an island in the gulf of mexico where she gets a sex change and begins trying to breed dinosaurs.  its a little known fact that this film is a prequel to Jurrasic Park. 

directing: 9/10 great movie! good basketball scenes
acting: 10/10 great acting!
babe factor: 2/10 woody harrelson's girlfriend isn't very attractive.  if this was "dude factor" i'd give it 9/10 cause woody and wesley snipes are good looking guys, but its not so, 2/10!! 
nihilism: 6/10 good hearted basketball action! basketball somehow translates to nihilism in my mind.

Napolean Dynamite (10/10)*
review by ERIC

this movie has so many one liners it will potentially ruin you for civilized conversation.  this is the worst movie ever released that is TOTALLY AWESOME.  I don't know why it works, it just does.  its funny in a ridiculous way.  even right now, i wonder how they even went about writing a movie like this, how a board of directors approved it being made, and why a company financed the millions it took to make it.  its like someone took a really really bad idea and took it way to far and by some miraculous stroke of luck that can only be attributed to Allah, it ended up being great.  This is one of those "perfect movies".  It might not have everything, or anything: theres no intelligent ideas, meaningful character development, exciting action, beautiful cinementography (sp??), dazzling special effects, etc.  But its the best at what it does, and i don't see how it could be improved upon. 

directing: 10/10 (good direction is like good referreeing in sports, if you don't notice it, they are doing their job)
acting: 10/10 don't be jealous
Babe Factor: 10/10 if my girlfriend' hair was still long i'd beg her to have one side ponytail.
nihilism: 10 wtf is this movie even about?


Apocalypse Now Redux(8.5/10)*
(review by eric drewes)
Ah, i love the smell of napalm in the morning.  This movie is like a thin red line (its long) but not so much like A thin red line that it sucks. Its hard to describe this movie, it starts out like a drug movie, with the doors soundtrack and the dream-like directing, but quickly turns into a full blown military movie that shows the tragedy, humor, and raw insanity of war.

War is hell, and i'll tell you why, its an army of young people who would rather be at home watching movies with their girlfriends then out in the middle of the fucking jungle fighting people who have dedicated their lives to their cause.  Going to vietnam was like jumping into a blender, what were they thinking?

War = people who would be friends otherwise being forced to kill each other to appease the leaders.

Nothing changes, every government shakes out the same, the rich end up on top, doing whatever they want regardless of the constitution or any other initial ideal.  The leaders just serve themselves and the other people with power so they can stay in power and get whatever they want.  There's always lies, theres always corruption, there's always a class system where the rich are on top and the poor are on the bottom and is difficult to go up.  I always heard "anyone can become president" but its not true, look at the people that are in office, they are all children of rich powerful people that are handed the oppurtunities to move forward.. Im not saying you can't work hard and move up and make a better life for yourself, but unless you're a genius, or super lucky, or super talented, you're stuck in just about the same station you were born in.  This is true in every government, communism, "democracy" republics, socialisms, dictatorships, monarchies.  its all the damn same.

ANYWAYS, back to apocalypse now.  This movie rules, theres so much i could tell you but its just an experience worth the effort undertaking.  Its just a mind trip, and a true masterpiece.

Directing: 9/10 (does get much better then this, such beautiful imagery and excelent action scenes, you end up forgetting you're watching a movie, you feel like you're there.  This movie is long though, and slow at some points)
Acting: 9/10 (actors fit their characters perfectly, there's no real flaws here)
Babe Factor: 5/10 (theres some cute chicks performing a USO show for the troops that end up getting naked, but i think thats it)
Nihilism: 8/10 (don't get off the boat!)

Brotherhood of the Wolf (5/10)
(review by eric drewes)
this movie is the best movie i ever saw that lacked critical things like a DIRECTOR OR A PLOT. THe story was pretty cohesive in the beggining, but it quickly went down hill after "the hunt" It just seems like they put random scenes together without any connection from one scene to the next. theres no progression, it just jumps right into the different action scenes without cool down, so it makes it incredibly incoherent.

On a side note, the characters were inane:
(possible spoiler)

i mean, what the hell? a native american ninja in france fighting an insane beast in the 1700's? What were they smoking? Also, the taxidermist is a ninja too? where did these guys learn how to fight and kill 293048109234 trained warriors without getting hurt?  I know at the taxidermy class in my college, its justa  bunch of weird freaks with knives cutting up roadkill, how this translates into jackie chan style invincibilty is beyond me.

final note:
if you see this movie, i suggest doing it under the influence of a hallucinegenic, this movie isn't going to make any sense anyways, and the imagery and psuedo-intellectualism would probably be a worthwhile trip, otherwise.. umm, don't bother.

Directing: 0/10 (i think they told the actors to just do whatever, then filmed 1230123 hours of movie and edited down to 2 and a half hours.
Acting: 2/10 (what the hell is this movie about? why does the indian ninja guy get naked and play with his hair like he is in a shampoo comercial)
Babe Factor: 10/10 (the royalty chick was super cute without being stereotypically so, and the mystic whore was HOT and you see her naked, two thumbs up)
Nihilism: 7 (only because there is an african voodoo biomechanical wolf/tiger hybrid scouraging the countryside and killing people)
Ninja Factor: 3 (even though there were ninja-like characters in this movie, it was either a prettyboy indian or a taxidermist)

this movie also gets a bonus point for casting a lot of ugly people in star roles, ugly heroes = cool.

Dr Strangelove (8/10)*
(by Hayley)
Dr Strangelove, Stanly Kubrick's dark yet amusing  monster, created in 1964, still genius.
There's pshycotic General ripper, fucking gone crazy with patriotism, raving about the commies unpurifying his "precious bodily fluids." Ripper manages to order all of his 24 hour on alert b52's to bomb their soviet targets.  Little does Ripper know that with the relaease of the bomb, a "dooms day device" will be activated that in essence, will kill off all human and animal life on the planet.  Then there is the witty english guy, captian Mandrake, who is intent on recalling the code, but is met by many obsticals, one of them includes a very funny scene where he is trying to get connected with the President on a payphone, but is short in change.  The result is shooting up a coke machine.  The presidaent, during all of this, is trying to deal with the paranoid General Turgedson and of course, our beloved bizarre ex-nazi, Dr. Strangelove.  Meanwhile, up in the air, Major Kong and his crew are leading the US to "victory" by doing everything in their power to drop the bomb on their target.  So, what happens in the end? Shit, I'll just tell you.  Two words: "Nuclear Apocalyppse."

So yes, all in all, this film was pretty good.

Directing:  10/10 Stanly came up with some pretty cool camera shots, and aslso as the co-writer of the screenplay, wrote some awesome lines. One of my favorites being "Stop this, what are you doing? You can't fight in the war room!"
Acting:  10/10 Peter Sellers played three very excentric characters very well, and as for Sterling Hayden, Peter Bull,  Keenan Wyn,  Slim Pickens, George C. Scott, and Tracy Reed, uh, yeah, they were good too.
Babe Factor:  8/10 Ok, the secritary in this film was really sexy, I mean yeah, she was hot in heels and underwear
Nihilism: No nihilist points for this one, everyone in this film cared about something.
(Editor's note: I am awarding this film 5 bonus nihilism points because a dude rides a fucking nuclear bomb out of an airplane.  how did you miss this hayley?)

Gummo (8/10)*
(review by eric drewes)
this movie is a great movie.  You should all rent it, its the timeless tale of 2 young boys who kill cats and sell them for cash.  Also in this movie is a boy who wears rabbit ears and plays a accordian, a black midget, a retarded albino chick, and other stuff that i forget.
I made a page about this great movie:  Here

this movie is hard to score, but here goes nothing
Directing: 10/10 (its the best)
Acting: 10/10 (couldn't be better)
Babe factor: 1/10 (there was only an old woman in a coma and a fat albino girl..)
Nihilism: 8 (the white trash kids kill cats and sell them to a black guy who sells them to a chinese food restaurante.  thats like giving a finger to everyone)

The Horse Whisperer (1/10)
(review by eric drewes)
Final score: F
what do you get when you take stephanie from FULL f*ckin HOUSE!!! the  gaymarine old man from american beauty, robert redford, and a horse, and throw them all in a giant blender? A whole lot of nihilicious meatshake.  What do you get when you put them all in a movie?  A whole lot of not quite so tasty, not quite so satisfying shit.
I guess the premise starts off good enough, young girl (she only has one leg) owns insane biomechanical horse, vet says it's best to shoot the thing before it goes berzerk and terrorizes new york, but the mother says no.  this woman is really really stupid.  So she calls up this guy in montana, who tells her "i don't know what your talking about, i can't speak to horses" then shrugs her off.  Btw, she is married to the guy from jurrasic park.  So this woman after getting shrugged off decides to drive her, her daughter who is 13 (and stephanie from full house) and the big cut up horse 9432052309453 miles to montana from new york, for no reason at all.  She doesn't even tell the guy (robert redford) that she is coming, and she pisses everyone off.
they arrive, blah blah, emotional bullshit, she is attracted to the other guy, has no quams that she's married, whatever..
blah blah, then the movie gets good.  the horse is going insane in front of the woman and rising up on it's legs, and redford has his cowboy hat on and is beating it with "wonderbat" and then the horse finally twists around and bites the woman's head off, blood is splurting everywhere, and the horse is loving those good soft human brains, and finally it calms down.  then the horse chokes on the woman's big mouth, and dies.  Stephanie comes in and sees her dead horse, and shes crying and robert redford says "no no, it's just sick" and makes her get on the dead horse, and shes crying, and cryin, then he cuts a hole in it's stomach like luke in star wars, except he climbs all the way in and uses it as a horse costume.  This movie is so good because it is so weird.  so he crawls into it and i guess the horse was some uber-horse or something becuase immediatly the two of them fused together to make one human horse creature,  so he gets all excited because all his life he dreamed of being a giant horse-man and stephanie is running and running, and her dad comes in (the guy from jurrassic park) and muldoon is with him, and sees this giant horse thing dancing around and he's yelling "shoot her!!! shoot her!!!" and he was going to use his shot gun, but a velociraptor (maybe a horseman thing in a velociraptor costume??) came out the side and ate him live.  Well anyways, The JP guy starts using his merlin powers and realizes magic is dead, and the horse man eats him.  it's a very sad movie.  there is a happy ending though because the horsething humps the robot dino during the end credits.

Directing: 9 (out of a possible 3249234)
Acting: 3 (out of ten)
Babe factor: 1 (the horse was HOT!!!)
Nihilism: 0 (this movie really sucks)
final score: F

I hate this movie, don't watch it.

The Matrix (1/10)
I'll say it straight up, I've got balls.  I have the heart and courage to sit through the entire 2 hours of HORSE WHISPERER and SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE.  Yes, it taxed my will, yes it taxed my spirit, yes, i almost didn't survive it, but i made it.  Matrix is a different story.  I hate the matrix.   Don't even talk to me about it.  I've never seen the whole thing, its too lame, corny, contrived, and boring for me.  I know you fairies love this movie, i know you want to be NEO, but get over it, this movie really really sucks.  first off, the science is not only inaccurate, its insane.  and not in the good way.  Humans as batteries is the worst idea, we take so much more energy to survive then we can return, its like wiring up your house with wood.  Wood isn't a good conductor, and humans aren't good batteries.  Smart computers would kill all the humans.  Im not a computer, and im even smart enough to know that killing off humans is a good idea.   Anyways, next problem with this movie:  the fighting sucks.  christ, jesus christ.  White guys in suits doing overly choreographed wanna-be martial arts?  These fools look like al gore trying to fight.  Want to make the matrix a good movie? get jackie chan, ditch the whole boring alternate world idea, and just have him fight robots.  Now THAT would be a movie.  The worst part though is that this movie takes a potentially cool idea and perverts it into a really really terrible film.  And you borderline cool people just got sucked in.  Everyone who was standing on the verge of not sucking jumped right unto the short yellow matrix bus and went back to lala land.

Directing: 0
Acting: -23
Babe Factor: the one chick is cute, 4
Nihilism: -10 this movie is nihilism that has been twisted and perverted into a psuedo-intellectual killing poison
final score: leave me alone.

Ninja Scroll (9/10)*
OOPS you watched the horse whisperer and now you're feeling like your brain stopped functioning? well time to pop in Ninja Scroll, the greatest ninja movie EVER and i guess thats saying something because ninjas are in every movie that ever came out.   The characters in this movie are wicked cool, Jubei, vagabond swordsmen is forced into helping Dagopon find out the secrets of the "Shogun of the Dark".  Along the way, with the help of the ninja girl Kigaro, Jubei battles 8 demons, each with different strengths and skills.  The fighting scenes are excellent, and Jubei is easily the coolest character in any anime film.  You should watch this movie, it rules..

Directing: 10/10 (well its animated, but i'll give it 10 anyways)
Voice Acting: 10/10 (i prefer dubbed, and the voices match the characters PERFECTLY)
Babe Factor: 6 (hmm, the naked tattoo girl is kinda ugly, kigaro isnt much of a looker either, but theres some scenes in this for you perverts)
Nihilism Factor: 7 (not that nihilistic, just cool)
Ninja Factor: 9999999999 (you can't beat it)

Shakespeare in Love (-9834123412/10)
this movie made me cry, not for the trajedy of the story, not for the beauty of the imagery, but for this one simple fact:
I couldn't get my shoe laces out of my shoes to kill myself to end the horror of watching this movie.

rewind: Girls, man, what the fuck? I like them, don't get me wrong.  They are cute and sweet sometimes, and they make you cookies, and they are soft and they smell nice, but what the hell is up with their choice of movies?  SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE??? give me a god damn break.  first off all, "the bard" was GAY, if shakespeare was in love, it was with some guy, not gweneth paltrow.  second off, ahhhhh, shoot me.  This movie sucks, i really really really hate it, I mean i can't really get that message out enough.  I know, i know, sometimes you have to "take one for the team" and go see a chick movie to make your little girlfriend happy, but sometimes its just NOT WORTH IT.  I would say this movie could make me swear off women forever, the risks and horror you have to endure is almost enough to say its not worth it.  But then i remember something.  yeah, thats it, you know what im talking about.  yeah.  woo.  women.

Directing: fuck you
Acting: seriously, fuck you
Babe factor: you see gweneth paltrows breast's but shes DRESSED LIKE A MAN WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE.  this movie is for perverts (1/10)
Nihilism Factor: an argument could be made for this, but im not going to make it 0
Ninja Factor: -298431739483712943210951233  no ninjas. in fact, this movie ALMOST made me FORGET about ninjas.

Signs (5/10)
by Peebo
Ten years ago there was an invasion.  A POP MUSIC INVASION!  Ace of Base took the Western Hemisphere by storm with their number 27 hit "The Sign" - This is relevant, just wait a minute. You see, Ace of Base, as fantastic of a band that they were, could just not hope to make it in the American music scene, despite valiant efforts like "Don't Turn Around" and the little known VHS "Ace of Base will wash your car for food"  My point?  Swedish bands won't make it in America.  Big Swedish music execs knew this, but they didn't care.  People involved in Signs knew that it made no fucking sense, but they made it anyway.

Now onto signs - a riveting fucking movie about a catholic preacher turned farmer (because of the oh so tragic and sudden death of his wife) and his family, and their personal war with intergalactic aliens.  But they don't use cool weapons like lasers and neutron bombs, they use faith, family togetherness, parlor games, a healthy helping of children being cute, and water.

Yes I said water.  These supra-advanced aliens who have mastered intergalactic space travel apparently have not mastered the more subtle art of 'Not immersing oneself in poison'. I've seen squirrels and spiders and all sorts of crazy animals avoid traffic and fire and famine and Plenty of other ways of dying.  You know what - one time I even stood next to a knife, but I consciously decided I would not stick that knife in my forehead.  These aliens were not so wise and decided it was a good idea to raid a planet that is more than 70 percent insta-death to them.  Supposedly these aliens are harvesting humans for one reason or another - humans which are also MADE UP OF MOSTLY WATER.  I don't know about you, but I don't run around trying to capture rattlesnakes and wear them as belts,  I know that poison is bad for me, and I try to avoid it.

Speaking of aliens, what the fuck is up with these aliens?  They are the pinnacles of bad evolution.  They look like elongated ET on crack and they have a POISON SAC that shoots out a FEBREEZE like SQUIRT of poison - wait wait - ITS UNDERNEATH THEIR FOREARMS.  I mean in all the useless evolutionary things - like the third nipple and Canadians, this wrist poison sac mint air freshener takes the cake.  It would be more useful if they squirted out a nice wood varnish and could use their ridiculous looking faces to swab away at my coffee table, now at least that would have a use.  But don't worry about that too much, because the aliens aren't actually in the movie for more than 2 seconds, whereas the eerie THREAT of aliens being around is the real suspenseful junk you'd expect to find in a shitty movie like this.

I can’t talk about more about the plot - because there is none.  Preacher loses faith, finds aliens, loses aliens, finds faith.  Children are annoying, boy kills pet dog, girl is of course psychic, and then there is the guy that played evil emperor in Gladiator, and hes just sort of hanging out.  Arabs save the day, roll credits.  Watch it yourself but make sure you have something else to keep your attention like a spoon or a toothbrush.

I have to follow a certain format for this review.

DIRECTING: 5/10 - There were people in this movie and they may have used facial expressions
ACTING: 3/10 - There was a Culkin in this movie.
BABE FACTOR 1/10 (unless you like em real young, then 6/10) The only "babe" was about 5 years old nonetheless she was a cutie.
NIHLISM: -1/10 - The aliens were only there to "raid" - not nihilistic at all.
IMPORTANT LESSON - If aliens are coming to getchu - remember!  Lock yourself in your basement, because aliens can not open doors - neither can velociraptors - this may save your life one day.

(editors note: i enjoyed this movie but one thing really really bothered me, when those idiots locked themselves in the basement, WHY DIDN'T THEY BRING A WEAPON?  I don't know about you, but the first thing i would do if fucking aliens were invading, is to get a weapon, any weapon.  These guys didn't even bring a hammer.  Those aliens were pretty much pansies, and i think a hatchet or an axe would have been pretty useful if the aliens somehow were able to get into the basement.  I mean, basically they just laid down to die.. come on.)