The Ballad of Janice Jarvis

by Eric Drewes

With the advice of my comrade and brother, James, I decided to handle my D- I received in "Mass Media 101" in oldschool Adunai fashion. I hadn't considered that my arch-nemeses, the Mexican Desperados with Aqualungs ( were the perpetrators behind this grievous and absurd situation, but suddenly it all made sense. The unprovoked hostility on the professor's part, the complete disregard for commonsense and reason... these are traits that our Aqua-Lunged foes have in spades.

Anyways, with terror and dread filling my heart I made the trek to the lair of the cruel and evil Janice Jarvis. She has a mule ranch here in Ohio, (no joke) where she is a mule guide. Her lair was in a foul smelling clearing in the middle of a forest. Strange plants seemed to envelope the shack she called home, their vines wrapping around and growing up seemingly every surface of the entire building. Tied to a post in front of her porch were two mules, both very dead and covered completely in flies and maggots. The smell was becoming even more atrocious the closer I got to the ragged cottage. I crept up to the steps, avoiding the carcasses and the insects and finally arrived at her door.

I knocked. There was no answer (of course) so I pushed the rotting wooden door open. Inside was a sight out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Covering the floor were skulls and bones of various birds, mammals and reptiles. Though I didn't see one, I would bet solid cash that there were human bones mixed with the others. Cautiously I slowly maneuvered my way inside.  I pressed on and searched the grotesque kitchen and was about to go upstairs when I heard a noise behind a door. It was as unmistakable as any sound I knew, and my skin prickled into goose flesh when it resounded in my ears. **PSSSSHHH** **WOOOOSHH** **PSSSSHHH** **WOOSHHH*. Sensai James was right! What a fool I had been to think I was dealing with a regular human. I quietly slipped passed the kitchen and threw open the door. There, sitting on a massive porcelain "throne" in the middle of the horrific room was Janice. She appeared to have increased in size and stature. Before, where she was merely a vicious fat toad of a woman, she stood before me as a mammoth of flesh and fangs.  Tentacles flailed from her back seeking to grab anything warm they touched. On her face was the breathing apparatus I had heard, and upon finally seeing what I was up against, I trembled.

"So... you have come... foolish boy." she hissed at me in a pitch and tone that I could barely comprehend.

"It is time we settle this once and for all," I said.

"You should have just taken your D- and liked it, weakling. Now you shall bare my full wrath!" she groaned like a massive battleship as she got up on her tree trunk like haunches.

At about this point, I realized I was in a lot of trouble. Here I was, unarmed and defenseless against this monstrosity. More than my grade was at stake! Now I feared for my life. I backpedaled to try to escape but slipped on muck that had covered the floor.

"And now I feast!" she screamed as she leaped upon me. I valiantly tried to escape but the surface was too slippery and I found no traction to move. In moments she had me up in her massive jaws and was shaking me about like an alligator would shake a monkey it caught. I had no time to try to escape, in seconds she inhaled my entire body and I slipped down her esophagus and into her stomach. Acid fumes seared my nose and burned my eyes. Now, not only would I have to retake Mass Media, I was going to be digested and die a slow and painful death. Resigned to my fate, I meditated to find peace.

A voice came...

"Eric..." it said, "Eric... fear not."

"God is that you?" I asked the voice.

"HAHAHHAHAHAHA," was the response. "No, this is your brain, dummy."

"Oh... long time no see." I said to it.

"Yeah, but it looks like I returned in the knick of time" It spoke to me in a condescending tone.

"So how do we get out of this mess?" I asked. My brain always had good ideas.

"My foolish friend, dont you get it? This is all just a fantasy. This is all just your subconscious trying to reconcile the insanity and ridiculousness the teacher has put you through . You want closure and so maybe you feel by defeating her metaphorically in her true monster like form in your mind, you can forget the ordeal."

"Hmm... makes sense." I replied.

"Of course it does, idiot." my brain went on, "what you fail to realize is, even though you got totally screwed over by some crazy woman for no real reason, you still can win in this situation."

"go on..."

"I will!" it snapped at me, "don't interrupt. Even though you'll have to retake this class, because she was a terrible teacher you'll inevitably get a better education for it. Also, because you have freshman forgiveness status left, it wont adversely effect your sterling GPA. As long as you learn the lesson from this, which is, "if the teacher is a crazy psychotic bitch, drop the class or change teachers," then you've come out ahead."

I nodded.

"And even though you're the one who got screwed, she has to go on being a mean unreasonable woman for the rest of her life. You should pity her, not despise her. You're better than that."

I nodded again.

"You tried your best and failed because of someone elses bitterness. It doesn't mean you have to like it, but you can't let it make you bitter like her, thats the only way you can really lose."

My brain is very smart, see. What it was telling me made sense.

"Now, sucker, find a way to escape this stomach before we're dissolved into our base elements and lets get out of here." it grinned.

So, I summoned a massive adunai chi ball and blew away the monster and the shack and the mules and everything else. Now here I am at work, telling you all what happened.

So, now I'm over it.  

The End.