Disclaimer: I should be euthanized.  Aisanitized means killing for the good of the adunai.  Euthanize means killing for the good of mankind. If everyone likes this little planet exactly how it is, they should kill me, because someday i plan on taking over the universe or at least blowing up a symbol in the moon so it looks like a giant ying/yang.  That'd be cool.

I am a submarine.  Everything i learned about anything i learned from submarine warfare. I cruise the waters in search of friendly and enemy bogies, slowly transversing deep in the water.  To communicate without the use of radio (which would give away my possition) i ping, and hope the echo's ping back, letting me know, friend or foe.  Yes, i am a submarine.  Deep deep in the water, lost, on a mission to oblivion.
Where's the cavalry?

i always wanted that you and me feeling.. like you and me against the world.  where is that "you"?

All we have is each other.
everything is meaningless but the moments we share with each other.  I know this is a lame way to start the page, but honestly, i could care less.  I love having beautiful moments. it doesn't matter where you are, just who you're with, and your ability to appreciate what is happening

The Ultimate Joke:This is all there is

"What are you? A ninja or something?" - anonymous
yes, I am.

I think maybe music is the key
well.  I think a person would have a better understanding of me if they listened to all of my favorite songs over and over again for a year

"Perfection can only be obtained through improvision."
Plans are all meaningless, rules are all arbitrary.  I'm not responsible because I fly by the seat of my pants, and i like it that way.
I hate "having" to do things.

Truth
right and wrong dont matter.  sympathy doesn't matter.  They will all create pain in the end.  At least with the truth, you know whats actually happening, and you can deal with it, instead of believing lies.  Honesty is the best policy.

Insanity
I'm not insane, all of you are.

    "People who go broke in big ways never miss any meals.  It is the poor jerk who is shy half a slug who must tighten his belt" - robert heinlein.
I go broke in big ways.  My life is like a wave.  So much energy builds up, and it is so beautiful, and then it crashes down and fades away.  My life is chaos.  I jump into things too easily, i am too trusting, and I end up getting burned.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
but that's ok, because at least i get to that high point.

    "a ninja does not enter a battle he cannot win." - some comic book.
I always win.  I don't mean to seem egotistical, but i always win.  even when i lose.  I believe winning is an attitude, and therefore I cannot be defeated.  However that does not mean that i try to avoid bad situations.  I don't enter battles I cannot win.

Forgiveness
I can't believe I forgive everyone for everything they ever did no matter how fucked up or bad it is.

Superficiality
I know that the superficial is arbitrary so i've tried my hardest to gain the most titles possible:
Shaolin ninja master (trained by the imfamous Sensei Bill)
Knight of Aacenburg (ordained in 1997 by the arch duke of aacenburg, Grant Shefl)
Ordained minister (Ordained by the Universal Life church in 1999)
Obtainer of rare antiquities (Donated multiple rare pieces to museums that I discovered meself)
Adunai (discoverer of multi-dimensions, seer of the 4th dimension, all around master of balance)
Porn-star certified stud (see pic here,  yes it is a real porn star)
Grease Monkey (I served my two weeks in the walmart automotive)
Webmaster extraordinaire (self evident in this page)
Ex-General of the Liberation Army (i may reinstate this title if the US bans guns..)
Zen Master (I achieved mastery of the Zen arts earlier this year)
 
 

Nihilism and the infinite sadness.
I hide all my pain and all my anguish behind nihilism.  Nihilism is normally pronounced "Nile-ism" and those people believe nothing has any meaning whatsoever, and they are depressed about it.  I'm not one of those.  I'm a Nihilist pronounced "neel-ist" I believe nothing has any meaning, and I think it's really funny.  Actually, being a nihilist is "sometimes" funny.  There are times when i look at all the pain and all the suffering in the world, and it makes me feel so infinitely sad.  The infinite sadness is the sadness i get when i see all this suffering and it's all for nothing.  Nothing.  It makes me cry.  I might be crying right now.  However, there are two sides to every coin, so i also see the infinite humor in everything.

Good vs Evil
I hate how what is true and good can always get overwhelmed and destroyed.  I wish what is true and right had a weapon that could cut through corruption.
Mehakoi: "but if you cut a gash in it, it just fills up and is whole again.. it isn't even phased"
Isen: "then i wish i could make a big adunai chi ball and blow the whole damn thing away"

Life is a masterpiece
"Specialization is for insects" - Heinlein.
I feel that I would like my life to be a masterpiece.  I don't want to just be one way, or just do one thing for a living.  I want to experience all life has to offer, i want to be taken through the full range of emotions.  I feel very passionatly about that, and I never want to fall into my "niche" because i don't believe i have one.

You can judge a book by it's cover
But you can never understand it.  If something feels it was meant a certain way, it probably was meant that way.  Subconsciencly human nature has learned to understand things and express themselves, whether they know it or not.  We all can sense how other people feel, some people more then others.  It's human empathy, and it's sensed in tone of voice, body language, and action.  I feel that things are generally how they appear, to me at least.  When i am unshaven, and tired looking, it doesn't matter that the next day i could be clean shaven and dressed in a suit, but at that time, i'm tired and scruffy.  I don;t know, it's hard to explain.

Virginity
i believe you're either born a virgin and that you'll always be one, or you're born jaded, and nothing can change that.

I go to extremes
in moderation :)
All or nothing.  I make sure I know what I want then i go for it.  if i don't know if i want it, then I hesitate and that is corruption.
Corruption leads to self defeat.

Isen and the act of being a bumbler.
Isen (eye-sen): verb, the act of bumbling your
way into the manipulation of any set structure
in order to succeed against all odds.

I am a bumbler.  I do the oddest things at the oddest times, and i don't know why.  It provides endless amusement.  Some people think it's hard to deal with me because i am the way I am.  All i have to say to them is imagine me, i have to deal with myself all the time.

I can always make things work against all odds, no matter how bleak things look.  I can always pull it off.

"Courage is the compliment of fear, a man who is fearless cannot be courageous ~ He is also a fool"
I am fearless.  Utterly.  I believe no harm can become of me.  If i die, i know it is arbitrary, so i don't fear death.  I would love to see demons and ghosts.  My only fear when i saw the blair witch project was that the movie wasn't real.  I wanted to go and see the blair witch.  I wanted to see something truly scary.  I feel so jaded, nothing can scare me.  It makes me feel sad in a way.   I'd like to be scared.  I'm a nihilist.  I have nothing.  I can't lose anything.

I have unconditional love for everyone.
I honestly do.

Uberman vs Jesus vs Beremus vs Minotaur
jesus has a WWUD bracelet: what would the uberman do. jesus is the example of a perfect human, the uberman is the fluid personification of perfection.  Beremus seeks to achieve enlightenment through whatever means is nessessary, including turning over the reigns of intellect/spirituality to super intelligent super logical flawless machines that can evolve a million times faster then people, and the minotaur is happy exactly as he is.  Who will win? find out next episode

"every coin must have two sides"
i have achieved total mastery of zen.  I understand now the balance of chaos and order, i understand the fundamentals of life.  I can do pushups on my thumbs.  I see how I am both everything and nothing.  I'm nihilist and existentialist.  It's neat.  I also think women are evil.

depression.
yeah, it's a horrible word for a horrible thing.  you want to blame chemicals or whatever, go ahead.  I think thats a fucking cop out.  Depression is pain just like a cut on your arm.  it's there to let you know there's a problem for you to fix.  Taking depression medication is just like taking asparin, it doesn't make the pain go away, it just makes it feel numb.  Anyone out there who says "aww, it's a chemical problem, you don't understand.." well.  frankly, bite me.  I do understand, i understand you can't handle things.  Maybe I should be on depression medication so I can become numb and lose my trueself in the process.  That sounds brilliant.  If this entire entree sounds depressing, well you should have guessed it would be considering what it's called.

I don't want anything i can lose:
freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose

Inner spirit
I have supreme inner spirit.  Some call it passion, the martial artists call it Chi, the italians call it machismo, it's the inner fire that drives you to things.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I feel such beautiful and spiritual highs.  However, in my darkest hours I put myself through deepest darkest hell.  Oh well.  Thus is life.

"You can have peace or you can have freedom, don't ever count on having both."
i cannot be assimilated, i cannot be forced into any system, I am a monkey wrench in society's gears.  I must have absolute freedom because my whims are so odd and i am inspired by such weird things that I want the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want.  I know that sounds self-centered and selfish.  I just like doing things my way.  When they try to make me do things there way, i don't feel like doing anything anymore.  I score in the 99th percentile on all the standardized tests, why? not because i have great knowledge, but because i have keen intelligence.  I simply extrapolate the answer from the question.  If the borg tried to assimilate me i'd try to fit in but eventually i'd get bored and leave.  they'd prolly have to kill me.

"The unattackable defense"
by using my weaknesses as strength's i have gained the ultimate power in all contentions.  if they attack what they see as strength, then they hit nothing.  if they attack my "weak" spots, low and behold, I am a brick wall.  No one will probably understand this, as i'm just ranting on aimlessly.  However, in combat, mental or physical, i cannot be defeated.  Though..

I AM SO TORN
between all things.  I see both sides, and I am sad that they must be against each other.  I'm only angry when i get caught up in one side or the other.  Then when I step back I just see all the pain.  I wish it would go away.  i have curiosity of all things, i'd like to know what it is like to feel female.  I admire women. I would like to experience everything there is to experience, I want to go through the entire range of emotions.  I want my life to be a masterpiece, and I, a renaissance man. I except who I am, and I don't mind my weaknesses.

Friends
They say you can judge a person by the company he keeps.  If this is true, I must be a king among men.  I'm the kind of person who has a few close friends that are truly his comrades.  There are few people i would say are truly my brothers, but those that I do i have absolute faith in.  Oh yeah, sisters too. <bite>  Love you all.

I hate parties because i feel i never truly fit in, but it's even worse to not be invited at all.
my friend Meg always says i'm a party pooper.  Oh well.

"Happiness is like a butterfly, if you chase it, it will flutter away but if you sit still, it just might land on you."
I love that quote, i truly think it's beautiful.  Happiness lands on my finger sometimes.  I think it is part of the infinite sadness that when that butterfly finally lands, you are only fascinated for a moment, and then things become uncomfortable.  You'd like the butterfly to fly away.  It always does.  Then you miss it.  This is life.  It is both sad and funny.

How do you stop the wave?
 the wave is everything that we cannot resist, it sweeps us away and there is no defense.  zen says you don't be where the wave is, but that just saves you, what about everyone else? Hayley offers an alternative: Blow up the moon.
 

The pirate ship goes no where
theres a scale model pirate ship on the olentangy that i would steal if i had a crew.  the problem is there are bridges blocking off the exit route on either side of the river.  what is the solution?
 
 
 
 

im only in it for the gold

Chanel is brilliant. here's a story she wrote:
blah blah blah came from their mouths.
"your the dumbest person i have ever met. you know why?"
*"no."
"cause you dont know the story by heart."
*"what story?"
my story. the story of how 5million cheese burgers are better than sex. hey
babe, one day you and ill get together and youll love it. life want 5 days a
week till gawd made it that way."
*"cheeseburgers. are you ok?"
"i hate stupid people."
*"you mean people who dont see things the way you do?"
"no. people who dont know there ass from a hole in the ground."
*"nobody knows tabs like you do."
"nobody knows life like i do."
*"real life. no. your life. were going in circles."
"i happen to like circles."
*"fuck you. its not like you care about anyone but your self."
"your right dont see why i should."
*"fucking hypocrites bet you want other people to care about you."
"bet you i dont give a fuck."
*"dont you."
"no."
*"why not?"
"i just dont care."
*"about anyone but yourself, right? not even that you only love drugs."
"you dont know what life is."
*"drugs?"
"no, cheese burgers."

I hope some of you get that.  Of course i doubt anyone has even read this far down this page, no one goes to my website anyways.
 

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TO BE CONTINUED....