I drive 30 miles to school everyday.
its a long drive and boring, there is nice scenery but i'm not the type
of guy who notices that sort of thing.
i know what roses smell like, i don't have to stop and smell them
i want a new flower to smell.
but i digress..
everyday, I have this same long boring drive
sometimes i look out the window, usually i stare ahead
listening to the radio
so i didn't notice the strange beasts that were all around me.
I live in the middle of no where,
there is farm land everywhere
sometimes there are cows
sometimes something else.
At first I thought they must be llamas
i've seen llamas, they aren't rare
they aren't common but they aren't extraordinary
everyone's heard of llamas.
one day while listening to the radio
i heard a radio commercial
ALPACA FEST ALPACA FEST ALPACA FEST
I didn't know what an alpaca was.
I didn't care either, whatever it was it didn't involve me
i have enough nonsense in my life without alpacas
but this commercial came on everyday
i couldn't help it
i became curious
it was a huge mistake
i went online, and looked up alpaca
i didn't know what it was, and i spelled it "elpaca"
nothing came up
I thought it was weird they would have an Alpacafest if alpacas didn't
so i investigated further.
Noticing my spelling mistake finally,
i found web sites on alpacas.
they were large furry creatures
they were growing in popularity, creating boundless opportunities for investors
apparently there was a fortune to be made.
they don't have claws
they don't have sharp incisors or cutting teeth
they don't have horns to protect themselves with
and they can't kick.
what an odd creature
how did it survive?
how have i gone 21 years of my life without even hearing about an alpaca
i mean, how could i miss an entire genre of animal?
i decided to investigate further
their existence intrigued me
plus i wanted some easy cash and i thought maybe they'd be a worthwhile investment
i could get in on the bottom floor!
but then laziness took over and i forgot about them
until the next time i drove to school
in every yard there was an alpaca
they were everywhere
the entire state of ohio was invested by alpacas.
they were amongst the cows
amongst the sheep
laying in the fields
there were alpacas on the middle of an island in a man-made pond
how did they get there? can alpacas SWIM???
then it dawned on me..
evolution chose not to give alpacas the physical tools they needed to defend themselves
without claws or horns or teeth they were forced to perpetuate their race a different way
the alpaca is a fiendish beast
more clever than other animals, it has entered the minds of mankind
it is allowing itself to be bred, to be maintained and taken care of
it is so cute and seemingly harmless, no one would suspect an alpaca of sentience, let alone deviousness
slowly it would spread throughout the country
until every farmer owned them
until every child in america no longer would want a dog or cat or hamster or pony
they would want a cute adorable...
and when the time came
they would descend upon us, devouring the earth with their alpaca powers
we will be helpless against them.