I drive 30 miles to school everyday.

its a long drive and boring, there is nice scenery but i'm not the type of guy who notices that sort of thing.

i know what roses smell like, i don't have to stop and smell them

i want a new flower to smell.

but i digress..

everyday, I have this same long boring drive

sometimes i look out the window, usually i stare ahead

listening to the radio

so i didn't notice the strange beasts that were all around me.

I live in the middle of no where,

there is farm land everywhere

sometimes there are cows

sometimes sheep

sometimes horses

sometimes something else.

At first I thought they must be llamas

i've seen llamas, they aren't rare

they aren't common but they aren't extraordinary

everyone's heard of llamas.

one day while listening to the radio

i heard a radio commercial


I didn't know what an alpaca was.

I didn't care either, whatever it was it didn't involve me

i have enough nonsense in my life without alpacas


but this commercial came on everyday

i couldn't help it

i became curious

it was a huge mistake

i went online, and looked up alpaca

i didn't know what it was, and i spelled it "elpaca"

nothing came up

I thought it was weird they would have an Alpacafest if alpacas didn't exist

so i investigated further.

Noticing my spelling mistake finally,

i found web sites on alpacas.

they were large furry creatures

they were growing in popularity, creating boundless opportunities for investors

apparently there was a fortune to be made.

they don't have claws

they don't have sharp incisors or cutting teeth

they don't have horns to protect themselves with

and they can't kick.

what an odd creature

how did it survive?

how have i gone 21 years of my life without even hearing about an alpaca

i mean, how could i miss an entire genre of animal?

i decided to investigate further

their existence intrigued me

plus i wanted some easy cash and i thought maybe they'd be a worthwhile investment

i could get in on the bottom floor!

but then laziness took over and i forgot about them


until the next time i drove to school

in every yard there was an alpaca

they were everywhere

the entire state of ohio was invested by alpacas.

they were amongst the cows

amongst the sheep

laying in the fields

there were alpacas on the middle of an island in a man-made pond

how did they get there? can alpacas SWIM???

then it dawned on me..

evolution chose not to give alpacas the physical tools they needed to defend themselves

without claws or horns or teeth they were forced to perpetuate their race a different way

the alpaca is a fiendish beast

more clever than other animals, it has entered the minds of mankind

it is allowing itself to be bred, to be maintained and taken care of

it is so cute and seemingly harmless, no one would suspect an alpaca of sentience, let alone deviousness

slowly it would spread throughout the country

until every farmer owned them

until every child in america no longer would want a dog or cat or hamster or pony

they would want a cute adorable...


and when the time came


they would descend upon us, devouring the earth with their alpaca powers of evil


we will be helpless against them.